Politically Correct Bedtime Stories: Modern Tales for Our Life & Times
By James Finn Garner
Published by MacMillan Publishing Company
ISBN: 002542730X
Fairytales are integral to the American childhood; they teach the importance of maintaining a strong work ethic (“The Three Little Pigs”) and thinking independently (“Chicken Little”). Thanks to the Brothers Grimm, they also very conveniently provide parents with prime examples of Kids Gone Bad and the gruesome repercussions (“Hansel & Gretel”). For little girls, fairytales feed into the fantasy of having a handsome young prince ride up in a BMW X5 (horses tend to be high-maintenance) to rescue them from bi-polar step-mothers and poisoned apples. For little boys, the option to pursue a career as a handsome young prince in a tricked-out X5, earns a spot right up there with firefighter, superhero, astronaut and cowboy.
The escapism in these tales is obvious to most kids, but are the messages themselves truly enlightened? Apparently not for James Finn Garner, author of Politically Correct Bedtime Stories: Modern Tales for Our Life & Times. Garner rewrites the classics with the EEOC in mind, including women (spelled here “womyn”), woodsmen, little people, wolves, stepmothers, pigs, senior citizens, and bears. Everyone (and everything) is considered a protected group. In the “Introduction,” Garner goes so far as to express regret in anticipation of someone’s (or something’s) sensibilities being subjected to offense. “If, through omission or commission, I have inadvertently displayed any sexist, racist, culturalist, nationalist, regionalist, ageist, lookist, ableist, sizeist, speciesist, intellectualist, socioeconomicist, enthnocentrist, phallocentrist, heteropatriarchalist, or other type of bias as yet unnamed, I apologize and encourage your suggestions for rectification.”
Among those that get a reprieve from the intolerant are “Little Red Riding Hood” and the all-time favorite, “Cinderella”:
“Oh, I Forgot You Are As Optically Challenged As A Bat”
Red Riding Hood (remember, “little” is heightist) is sent by her mother, armed with a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water, to grandmother’s house. “Not because this was womyn’s work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community” (1). On her way, Red Riding Hood meets a wolf, who inquires into the contents of her belongings. He then points out that a little girl’s safety might be compromised walking alone in the woods, to which she replies, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society…” (2). With that, she leaves the wolf and continues on her way, only to find that he had beaten her to grandmother’s house. Thus begins the famous exchange (slightly modified, of course, to respect the aesthetically less pleasing):
“From the bed, the wolf said softly, ‘Come closer, child, so that I might see you.’
‘Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!’
‘They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.’
‘Grandma, what a big nose you have – only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way.’
‘It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.’
‘Grandma, what big teeth you have!’
‘I am happy with who I am and what I am’” (3).
“Hello, Cinderella, I Am Your Fairy Godperson, or Individual Deity Proxy, If You Prefer”
Having endured mistreatment at the hands of her mother- and sisters-of-steps, Cinderella asks her fairy godperson to dress her in a beautiful gown and disguise her so she can attend the prince’s ball. “And bind yourself into the male concept of beauty?” he asks. “Jam your feet into high-heeled shoes that will ruin your bone structure? Paint your face with chemicals and make-up that have been tested on nonhuman animals?” (32-33)
Cinderella arrives at the ball just in time to captivate and infuriate the other guests. “The men stared at and lusted after this wommon who had captured perfectly their Barbie-doll idea of feminine desirability” (33). The womyn, “trained at an early age to despise their own bodies,” react to her with jealousy and envy. Her mother- and sisters-of-step are so resentful of her beauty that they fail to recognize her.
The prince, after spotting Cinderella, lays claim to this vision of loveliness. He “made it clear to his friends that he was intent on ‘possessing’ the young wommon” (34). This declaration triggers an all-out rumble among the men in the room. The womyn place the blame for the commotion squarely on Cinderella and form a circle around her, prepared for combat. When the clock strikes twelve, Cinderella returns to her previous comfortable attire, again evoking resentment. “Instead of exacting vengeance on her, they stripped off their bodices, corsets, shoes, and every other confining garment. They danced and jumped and screeched in sheer joy, comfortable at last in their shifts and bare feet” (36).
Fairytale Characters Have Rights, Too!
Politically Correct Bedtime Stories: Modern Tales for Our Life & Times does a wonderful job highlighting the damage done by our patriarchal society to women, animals, the environment, and senior citizens. It’s about time princesses are liberated from having to always be rescued! It’s about time the nudists in the Emperor’s kingdom are taken seriously! Three cheers for Garner for finally getting it right.
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